Jennifer

everytime I try to write in this, i feel like im opening an old book that i dont have the words for anymore. I think im saying goodbye to you lj. No, wait, I am. Good bye LJ.

I made out with a chicken quesadillas and a gas mask.

To attempt to get across the level of comfort i feel as of now feels silly, and almost keeps me from writing anything. But what kind of writer would I be if I didn't try? I will say that to try to explain this feeling seems impossible, because it's not just words, it's a feeling of complete peace that I've only come to because of my experiences, and those my friend, I don't plan on writing about for a very, very long time. but for those of you who know me, you surely understand a bit about what i've been through, and you must see what an emotional wreck i've been. if you know me now, you're aware that things have been sorting out. I just want to express to anyone who cares to read, how happy i am with life and where its brought me. I'm still not exactly where id like to be, physically, but emotionally, it feels like i have come full circle. That's really all I can say, that I have come around and that I feel whole again. And that I am in love with everyone and everything and cannot WAIT for Spring!

Sitting here, in a friend's room and I'm happy. I'm happy because I've made it this far. And it may seem quite simple, just a girl getting through life, but it's my life. For the first time, it feels like my own. And I know it so well, I've felt all the ups and downs, it was my heart riding that train. And I'm pulling out of it, and alive and optimistic. And although I feel a bit fragile, and happen to worry about my inability to write without sadness, I can't wait to get through this last bit, this transition. I can't wait to move past the heartache, to see it in my memory and let it fade quietly. I'm not asking for it now, I understand that my heart needs time to heal, and to feel what little pain it has left to endure from this. And I smile inside, huge smiles, when I see myself being the girl I've always wanted to be: free and living wherever my heart takes me.

My heart is so batterred by all of this, so tired. and scared. You know lately, I've felt this pain, that runs through my stomach, between my ribs, and i feel like its pulling me apart. So exhausted by trying to love and be content. I wonder sometimes, how people keep hope in their hearts, because i feel so fucking discouraged. And I wonder how long can I take these things? I was in a good relationship, but it wasn't enough. And I'm scared that it's never going to be. You know, they say that we need to be happy with ourselves first, I think I am. I think I have been for quite some time. I don't have that deep childhood trauma, or even pain.. I feel peaceful about growing up and the things that are supposed to shape us. I know that ever since Kenny left for Iraq, that my life took a huge turn, and I felt alone. And I still feel alone. And I'm tired. And I'm ready for this to be my past. It's just the getting there, how are we ever supposed to without losing hope first?

I don't know if I have the words tonight, if anything I say will convey this emotion inside. You see, I haven't let myself touch it lately, locked you out of my mind. But tonight, I'm alone. And I can be honest with myself, I can feel whatever I need to because he wont be here to question me. No more "don't be sad" comments. No more "learn to deny yourself" bullshit. Tonight it's just me, and maybe a few songs that have got me thinking about you. I'm sitting here on this bed, remembering so long ago how I sat in the room next to me loving you freely. I knew it then, that I was on the right path. I haven't dipped into the disappointment that I know I house because of how short I cut things off. But I can feel inside, this pressure on my heart. Where I wonder, how much of you is healed from me? Is it all of you? I can't say it is for me, I don't think. Let's face it, I don't feel the urge to come running to you, to set us up for more failure. I just can't help myself from wondering if you're doing ok. I remember how gentle and vulnerable you were, so open and ready to be loved. And I wonder if you were able to love that way again... I never saw my face then, but if I could now, I think I'd see a girl in pain. Someone who wasn't ready for you. I'm not implying that I am now, just that when you came in my life, I needed you.. But didn't fully understand why. Looking back on the past year leave me feeling confused.. Why don't I love them the way I love the months we had? I guess you can't love life when you're living someone elses. But I know now that I am ready to love this new life that I've allowed myself to have. Thank you for being such an inspiration. Even through the bullshit I put your heart through, you still shined, you still showed me what it was to love. I think I'll forever be grateful to you for that. I can't say that you'd feel the same way. I wasn't the loving person that you were for me, I was cold and unaware. I guess I only want you to know that I am sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't give you a little piece of what you had given to me. I hope the love you've found now is healing to your heart, and that she can make an impact as strong as the one you've made on me.

Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost,
doesn't mean I'll stop.

Just because I'm hurting, doesn't mean I'm hurt,
doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved.

I just got lost, every river that I've tried to cross,
and every door I ever tried was locked.

Oh and I'm just waiting til the shine wears off..

If the truth really does set you free, then why isn't everyone screaming it? Think about it, we live in a country where freedom is honored more than most things. But we must all be fooled if we really believe that we are free. These emotional barriers have some of us tied down tighter than any handcuff, and prison cell could ever. It's hard for me to understand why someone wouldn't come out and face the truth. I wont go into detail about what is being withheld, mainly because it isn't important. It just interests me to know that there are certain types of people, who when faced with confrontation, will deny to the death a little fact. What is the big deal here? I am not any God you've set yourself up for. I am just a human being trying to interact with you on an honest level. At least give me that. But seeing how some people choose to believe even their own lies has made me able to be even more honest with myself. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I was unable to be honest with those closest to me. I guess that fortune cookie was right afterall. The biggest lies we tell are those we tell ourselves. It looks like some people will never be free...

Hey world, life is pretty fucking beautiful when you see it for what it is... All lovely and fucked up.

I feel so good for once, knowing that I can trust myself and not have it all fall apart in the distance. I finally believe I can do this and in time it will all be easy.